“ Heaven is by favor; if it were by merit your dog would go in and you would stay out. Of all the creatures ever made (man) is the most detestable. Of the entire brood, he is the only one… that possesses malice. He is the only creature that inflicts pain for sport, knowing it to be pain. “ – Mark Twain
“ Success is a journey, not a destination. It requires constant effort, vigilance and reevaluation. “ – Mark Twain
“ Continuous improvement is better than delayed perfection. “ – Mark Twain
“ Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured. “ – Mark Twain
“ The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened. “ – Mark Twain
“ Those who do not read have no advantage over those who cannot read. “ – Mark Twain
“ You can’t break a bad habit by throwing it out the window. You’ve got to walk it slowly down the stairs. “ – Mark Twain
“ There is no security in life, only opportunity. “ – Mark Twain
“ When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. “ – Mark Twain
“ Worrying is paying interest on a debt you might not even owe. “ – Mark Twain
“ Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest. “ – Mark Twain
“ Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect. “ – Mark Twain
“ A gentleman is someone who knows how to play the banjo and doesn’t. “ – Mark Twain
“ Of all God’s creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the leash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve the man, but it would deteriorate the cat. “ – Mark Twain
“ The newspaper that obstructs the law on a trivial pretext, for money’s sake, is a dangerous enemy to the public weal. That awful power, the public opinion of a nation, is created in America by a horde of ignorant, self-complacent simpletons who failed at ditching and shoemaking and fetched up in journalism on their way to the poorhouse. “ – Mark Twain
Also read – Van Gogh Quotes
“ If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything. “ – Mark Twain
“ The best cure for Christianity is reading the Bible. “ – Mark Twain
“ There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man’s notion that he is less savage than the other savages. “ – Mark Twain
“ Make your vocation your vacation. That is the secret to success. “ – Mark Twain
“ Never let the truth get in the way of a good story. “ – Mark Twain
“ We teach them to take their patriotism at second-hand; to shout with the largest crowd without examining into the right or wrong of the matter — exactly as boys under monarchies are taught and have always been taught. We teach them to regard as traitors, and hold in aversion and contempt, such as do not shout with the crowd, and so here in our democracy we are cheering a thing which of all things is most foreign to it and out of place — the delivery of our political conscience into somebody else’s keeping. This is patriotism on the Russian plan. “ – Mark Twain
“ I am always on the side of the revolutionists, because there never was a revolution unless there were some oppressive and intolerable conditions against which to revolute. “ – Mark Twain
“ If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way. “ – Mark Twain
“ If ignorance is bliss, why isn’t the world happier? “ – Mark Twain
“ Never put off till tomorrow what you can do day after tomorrow just as well. “ – Mark Twain
“ The dog is a gentleman; I hope to go to his heaven not man’s. “ – Mark Twain
“ In religion and politics, people’s belief’s and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second hand, and without examination “ – Mark Twain
“ Just because you’re taught that something’s right and everyone believes it’s right, it don’t make it right. “ – Mark Twain
“ Strange a God who mouths Golden Rules and forgiveness, then invented hell; who mouths morals to other people and has none Himself; who frowns upon crimes yet commits them all; who created man without invitation, then tries to shuffle the responsibility for man’s acts upon man, instead of honorably placing it where it belongs, upon Himself; and finally with altogether divine obtuseness, invites this poor, abused slave to worship Him! “ – Mark Twain
“ The conviction of the rich that the poor are happier is no more foolish than the conviction of the poor that the rich are. “ – Mark Twain
“ Laughter is the greatest weapon we have and we, as humans, use it the least. “ – Mark Twain
“ Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate. “ – Mark Twain
“ Don’t wait the time is never just right. “ – Mark Twain
“ Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. “ – Mark Twain
“ No amount of evidence will ever persuade an idiot “ – Mark Twain
“ If a person offends you, and you are in doubt as to whether it was intentional or not, do not resort to extreme measures; simply watch your chance, and hit him with a brick. “ – Mark Twain
“ Comparison is the death of joy. “ – Mark Twain
“ You believe in a book that has talking animals, wizards, witches, demons, sticks turning into snakes, burning bushes, food falling from the sky, people walking on water, and all sorts of magical, absurd and primitive stories, and you say that we are the ones that need help? “ – Mark Twain
“ Worthwhile Things, Accomplishment, Achievement “ – Mark Twain
“ Don’t wrestle with pigs. You both get dirty and the pig likes it. “ – Mark Twain
“ Writing is easy. All you have to do is cross out the wrong words. “ – Mark Twain
“ In the beginning of a change the patriot is a scarce man, and brave, and hated and scorned. When his cause succeeds, the timid join him, for then it costs nothing to be a patriot. “ – Mark Twain
“ If you want me to give you a two-hour presentation, I am ready today. If you want only a five-minute speech, it will take me two weeks to prepare. “ – Mark Twain
“ There is nothing to be learned from the second kick of a mule. “ – Mark Twain
“ When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years. “ – Mark Twain
“ When I was 17, my father was so stupid, I didn’t want to be seen with him in public. When I was 24, I was amazed at how much the old man had learned in just 7 years. “ – Mark Twain
“ Data is like garbage. You’d better know what you are going to do with it before you collect it. “ – Mark Twain
“ Censorship is telling a man he can’t have a steak just because a baby can’t chew it. “ – Mark Twain
“ I was educated once – it took me years to get over it. “ – Mark Twain
“ How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand. “ – Mark Twain
“ The nation is divided, half patriots and half traitors, and no man can tell which from which. “ – Mark Twain
“ Begin with the determination to succeed and the work is half done already. “ – Mark Twain
“ I cannot help but notice that there is no problem between us that cannot be solved by your departure. “ – Mark Twain
“ Some people bring joy wherever they go, and some people bring joy whenever they go. “ – Mark Twain
“ An open mind leaves a chance for someone to drop a worthwhile thought in it. “ – Mark Twain
“ Man is the only Patriot. He sets himself apart in his own country, under his own flag, and sneers at the other nations, and keeps multitudinous uniformed assassins on hand at heavy expense to grab slices of other people’s countries, and keep them from grabbing slices of his. And in the intervals between campaigns he washes the blood off his hands and works for the universal brotherhood of man – with his mouth. “ – Mark Twain
“ But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most? “ – Mark Twain
“ The government is merely a servant―merely a temporary servant; it cannot be its prerogative to determine what is right and what is wrong, and decide who is a patriot and who isn’t. Its function is to obey orders, not originate them. “ – Mark Twain
“ They did not know it was impossible so they did it “ – Mark Twain
“ The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog. “ – Mark Twain
“ When the end of the world comes, I want to be in Kentucky, because everything there happens 20 years after it happens anywhere else. “ – Mark Twain
“ So much blood has been shed by the Church because of an omission from the Gospel: “Ye shall be indifferent as to what your neighbor’s religion is.” Not merely tolerant of it, but indifferent to it. Divinity is claimed for many religions; but no religion is great enough or divine enough to add that new law to its code. “ – Mark Twain
“ It’s better to be an optimist who is sometimes wrong than a pessimist who is always right “ – Mark Twain
“ The trouble is not in dying for a friend, but in finding a friend worth dying for. “ – Mark Twain
“ Let us consider that we are all partially insane. It will explain us to each other; it will unriddle many riddles; it will make clear and simple many things which are involved in haunting and harassing difficulties and obscurities now. “ – Mark Twain
“ A half-truth is the most cowardly of lies. “ – Mark Twain
“ Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that but the really great make you feel that you too can become great. When you are seeking to bring big plans to fruition it is important with whom you regularly associate. Hang out with friends who are like-minded and who are also designing purpose-filled lives. Similarly be that kind of a friend for your friends. “ – Mark Twain
“ Eat a live frog first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day. “ – Mark Twain
“ The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and starting on the first one. “ – Mark Twain
“ I have spent most of my life worrying about things that have never happened. “ – Mark Twain
“ Some of the worst things in my life never even happened. “ – Mark Twain
“ Every civilization carries the seeds of its own destruction, and the same cycle shows in them all. The Republic is born, flourishes, decays into plutocracy, and is captured by the shoemaker whom the mercenaries and millionaires make into a king. The people invent their oppressors, and the oppressors serve the function for which they are invented. “ – Mark Twain
“ If voting made any difference they wouldn’t let us do it. “ – Mark Twain
“ If your only tool is a hammer, everything starts to look like a nail. “ – Mark Twain
“ Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference. “ – Mark Twain
“ A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain. “ – Mark Twain
“ A marriage…makes of two fractional lives a whole; it gives to two purposeless lives a work, and doubles the strength of each to perform it; it gives to two questioning natures a reason for living, and something to live for; it will give a new gladness to the sunshine, a new fragrance to the flowers, a new beauty to the earth, and a new mystery to life. “ – Mark Twain
“ A pessimist is a well-informed optimist. “ – Mark Twain
“ great people are those who make others feel that they, too, can become great. “ – Mark Twain
“ Consider the average intelligence of the common man, then realize 50% are even stupider. “ – Mark Twain
“ Our lives, our liberty, and our property are never in greater danger than when Congress is in session. “ – Mark Twain
“ Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe. “ – Mark Twain
“ Man is a Religious Animal. He is the only Religious Animal. He is the only animal that has the True Religion–several of them. He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself and cuts his throat if his theology isn’t straight. He has made a graveyard of the globe in trying his honest best to smooth his brother’s path to happiness and heaven….The higher animals have no religion. And we are told that they are going to be left out in the Hereafter. I wonder why? It seems questionable taste. “ – Mark Twain
“ A man’s character may be learned from the adjectives which he habitually uses in conversation. “ – Mark Twain
“ Focus more on your desire than on your doubt, and the dream will take care of itself. “ – Mark Twain
“ I saw a startling sight today, a politician with his hands in his own pockets. “ – Mark Twain
“ A little lie can travel half way ’round the world while Truth is still lacing up her boots. “ – Mark Twain
“ Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in. “ – Mark Twain
“ Love your enemy, it will scare the hell out of them. “ – Mark Twain
“ A good lawyer knows the law; a clever one takes the judge to lunch. “ – Mark Twain
“ A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval. There is nothing more satisfying than that sense of being completely “at home” in your own skin. When you achieve that as a natural state of “being”, then you can finally look beyond yourself and fully contribute all your talents to the world. “ – Mark Twain
“ Education is what you must acquire without any interference from your schooling. “ – Mark Twain
“ I hate to hear people say this Judge will vote so and so, because he is a Democrat — and this one so and so because he is a Republican. It is shameful. The Judges have the Constitution for their guidance; they have no right to any politics save the politics of rigid right and justice when they are sitting in judgment upon the great matters that come before them. “ – Mark Twain
“ Never have a battle of wits with an unarmed person. “ – Mark Twain
“ There are laws to protect the freedom of the press’s speech, but none that are worth anything to protect the people from the press “ – Mark Twain
“ The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not. “ – Mark Twain
“ The truth hurts, but silence kills. “ – Mark Twain
“ Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason. “ – Mark Twain
“ Most people can’t bear to sit in church for an hour on Sundays. How are they supposed to live somewhere very similar to it for eternity? “ – Mark Twain
“ How easy it is to make people believe a lie, and [how] hard it is to undo that work again! “ – Mark Twain
“ I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it. “ – Mark Twain
“ Stripping away the irrational, the illogical, and the impossible, I am left with atheism. I can live with that. “ – Mark Twain
“ To be satisfied with what one has; that is wealth. “ – Mark Twain
“ A tax is a fine for doing well, a fine is a tax for doing wrong. “ – Mark Twain
“ There are basically two types of people. People who accomplish things, and people who claim to have accomplished things. The first group is less crowded. “ – Mark Twain
“ Do something everyday that you don’t want to do; this is the golden rule for acquiring the habit of doing your duty without pain. “ – Mark Twain
“ Reality can be beaten with enough imagination. “ – Mark Twain
“ Apparently there is nothing that cannot happen today. “ – Mark Twain
“ Loyalty to the country always. Loyalty to the government when it deserves it. “ – Mark Twain
“ Temper is what gets most of us into trouble. Pride is what keeps us there. “ – Mark Twain
“ You meet people who forget you. You forget people you meet. But sometimes you meet those people you can’t forget. Those are your ‘friends “ – Mark Twain
“ No man’s life, liberty, or property are safe while the legislature is in session. “ – Mark Twain
“ Why waste your money looking up your family tree? Just go into politics and your opponent will do it for you. “ – Mark Twain
“ When the doctrine of allegiance to party can utterly up-end a man’s moral constitution and make a temporary fool of him besides, what excuse are you going to offer for preaching it, teaching it, extending it, perpetuating it? Shall you say, the best good of the country demands allegiance to party? Shall you also say it demands that a man kick his truth and his conscience into the gutter, and become a mouthing lunatic, besides? “ – Mark Twain
“ It’s no wonder that truth is stranger than fiction. Fiction has to make sense. “ – Mark Twain
“ The inability to forget is far more devastating than the inability to remember. “ – Mark Twain
“ Man was made at the end of the week’s work when God was tired. “ – Mark Twain
“ Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience. “ – Mark Twain
“ Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. “ – Mark Twain
“ Adam was the luckiest man in the world. He had no mother-in-law. “ – Mark Twain
“ When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain. “ – Mark Twain
“ If you want to change the future, you must change what you’re doing in the present. “ – Mark Twain
“ Life is short, Break the Rules. Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly. Love truly. Laugh uncontrollably And never regret ANYTHING That makes you smile. “ – Mark Twain
“ Some people get an education without going to college. The rest get it after they get out. “ – Mark Twain
“ Never miss an opportunity to shut up. “ – Mark Twain
“ We have the best government that money can buy. “ – Mark Twain
“ Enthusiasm is caught, not taught. “ – Mark Twain
“ Give every day the chance to become the most beautiful day of your life. “ – Mark Twain
“ When in doubt tell the truth. It will confound your enemies and astound your friends. “ – Mark Twain
“ The common eye sees only the outside of things, and judges by that, but the seeing eye pierces through and reads the heart and the soul, finding there capacities which the outside didn’t indicate or promise, and which the other kind of eye couldn’t detect. “ – Mark Twain
“ Courage is not the lack of fear. It is acting in spite of it. “ – Mark Twain
“ Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness. “ – Mark Twain
“ I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. “ – Mark Twain
“ Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. “ – Mark Twain
“ Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option. “ – Mark Twain
“ Laws control the lesser man… Right conduct controls the greater one. “ – Mark Twain
“ Of all the animals, man is the only one that lies. “ – Mark Twain
“ If you have no will to change it, you have no right to criticize it. “ – Mark Twain
“ If there is a God, he is a malign thug. “ – Mark Twain
“ Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. “ – Mark Twain
“ Those who do not read the news are uninformed. Those who do are misinformed. “ – Mark Twain
“ When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old. “ – Mark Twain
“ Good judgement is the result of experience and experience the result of bad judgement. “ – Mark Twain
“ Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great. “ – Mark Twain
“ Let us live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry. “ – Mark Twain
“ Great things can happen when you don’t care who gets the credit. “ – Mark Twain
“ Imagine, if you will, that I am an idiot. Then, imagine that I am also a Congressman. But, alas, I repeat myself. “ – Mark Twain
“ If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and man. “ – Mark Twain
“ We are all ignorant; just about different things. “ – Mark Twain
“ If you have nothing to say, say nothing. “ – Mark Twain
“ Additional problems are the offspring of poor solutions. “ – Mark Twain
“ The best minds will tell you that when a man has begotten a child he is morally bound to tenderly care for it, protect it from hurt, shield it from disease, clothe it, feed it, bear with its waywardness, lay no hand upon it save in kindness and for its own good, and never in any case inflict upon it a wanton cruelty. God’s treatment of his earthly children, every day and every night, is the exact opposite of all that, yet those best minds warmly justify these crimes, condone them, excuse them, and indignantly refuse to regard them as crimes at all, when he commits them. “ – Mark Twain
“ A Patriot is someone who stands for his country always, and for his government when it is deserved. “ – Mark Twain
“ If you don’t read the newspaper, you’re uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you’re mis-informed. “ – Mark Twain
“ There are only two types of speakers in the world. 1. The nervous and 2. Liars. “ – Mark Twain
“ Among other common lies, we have the silent lie – the deception which one conveys by simply keeping still and concealing the truth. Many obstinate truth-mongers indulge in this dissipation, imagining that if they speak no lie, they lie not at all. “ – Mark Twain
“ There was never yet an uninteresting life. Such a thing is an impossibility. Inside of the dullest exterior there is a drama, a comedy, and a tragedy. “ – Mark Twain
“ Some people give their problems swimming lessons instead of drowning them. “ – Mark Twain
“ The secret of making progress is to get started. “ – Mark Twain
“ The trouble with the world is not that people know too little; it’s that they know so many things that just aren’t so. “ – Mark Twain
“ College is a place where a professor’s lecture notes go straight to the students’ lecture notes, without passing through the brains of either. “ – Mark Twain
“ God created war so that Americans would learn geography. “ – Mark Twain
“ To lodge all power in one party and keep it there is to insure bad government and the sure and gradual deterioration of the public morals. “ – Mark Twain
“ It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so. “ – Mark Twain
“ Kindness is the language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see. “ – Mark Twain
“ Those that respect the law and love sausage should watch neither being made. “ – Mark Twain
“ Don’t dream your life, but live your dream “ – Mark Twain
“ The past does not repeat itself, but it rhymes. “ – Mark Twain
“ Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. “ – Mark Twain
“ To be great, truly great, you have to be the kind of person who makes the others around you great. “ – Mark Twain
“ Nothing spoils a good story like the arrival of an eyewitness. “ – Mark Twain
“ Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one’s lifetime. “ – Mark Twain
“ The difference between those that succeed and those that fail is, those that succeeded tried. “ – Mark Twain
“ If we would learn what the human race really is at bottom, we need only observe it in election times. “ – Mark Twain
“ It is wiser to find out than to suppose. “ – Mark Twain
“ If Christ were here now there is one thing he would not be — a Christian. “ – Mark Twain
“ I do not wish any reward but to know I have done the right thing. “ – Mark Twain
“ Few things are more irritating than when someone who is wrong is also very effective in making his point. “ – Mark Twain
“ If we were meant to talk more than listen, we would have two mouths and one ear. “ – Mark Twain
“ The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why. “ – Mark Twain
“ Behind every successful man, there is a woman – And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two. “ – Mark Twain
“ The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. “ – Mark Twain
“ Good decisions come from experience. Experience comes from making bad decisions. “ – Mark Twain
“ He is useless on top of the ground; he ought to be under it, inspiring the cabbages. “ – Mark Twain
“ Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear, not absence of fear. “ – Mark Twain
“ So avoid using the word ‘very’ because it’s lazy. A man is not very tired, he is exhausted. Don’t use very sad, use morose. Language was invented for one reason, boys – to woo women – and, in that endeavor, laziness will not do. It also won’t do in your essays. “ – Mark Twain
“ There is no such thing as a new idea. It is impossible. We simply take a lot of old ideas and put them into a sort of mental kaleidoscope. We give them a turn and they make new and curious combinations. We keep on turning and making new combinations indefinitely; but they are the same old pieces of colored glass that have been in use through all the ages. “ – Mark Twain
“ The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up. “ – Mark Twain
“ If animals could speak, the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow; but the cat would have the rare grace of never saying a word too much. “ – Mark Twain
“ Do not complain about growing old. It is a privilege denied to many. “ – Mark Twain
“ What you do today is important, because you are sacrificing a day of your life for it. “ – Mark Twain
“ I don’t like to commit myself about heaven and hell – you see, I have friends in both places. “ – Mark Twain
“ A little more kindness, A little less speed, A little more giving, A little less greed, A little more smile, A little less frown, A little less kicking, A man while he’s down, A little more “We”, A little less “I”, A little more laugh, A little less cry, A little more flowers, On the pathway of life, And fewer on graves, At the end of the strife. “ – Mark Twain
“ Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody. “ – Mark Twain
“ There’s always something about your success that displeases even your best friends. “ – Mark Twain
“ The most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop. “ – Mark Twain